Heya All

I'm turning over a new leaf. i know that my life has not been the best but I'm trying to change. I'm tired of living like theres no tomarrow.. I have a new guy.. lets call him.. Chan... He's sweet and a christian boy.. he's a virgin, and the main concern he has about me is breaking my feeble heart. I can seriously say I may be falling for him.. He's 16 and just lovable. He's got deep chocolate eyes, blackish brown hair, a bit of a valcanoish face, and he's about 5'5 or 5'6.. and he is completely adorable. I think that he may be the best thing to happen to me in awhile.

You see, since he's is so involved in church, he doesn't believe that short relationships are proper. I understand him fully. And the funny thing is.. I think I may have been saved. I've quit smokeing.. no more for me. No more drinking till its legal besides like light stuff.. in other words not more getting drunk. And I don't do drugs anyways. And as for sex, if it means being able to be in a relationship that will do me such a spiritial good and such, I would go celebate.

And so.. about a month ago (kinda soon huh?) I started praying and such, and trying to go to church more and everything and I think its made some progress. Yeah I still slip up and curse ever once in a while but its been cut back. And I wear a cross almost always, and I just feel better about myself. Because now instead of veiwing the world as a loss, I can veiw it as a project in the making and that someday everyone will move on.. Yes I still dislike my mother, and I'm spiteful/dislikeful/disgusted/scared of my father, but what more can I do? I can hope fore the best and just wish that there is more that I can do later on in life.

Anyways, its 11:30, a school night and I'm tired having been up since 5:30. LOL! But I have to run a mile tomarrow in my PE class so its ok I guess. I just wish that I could do more and progress more in the bible and home and school and everything. But I'm willing to take it a step at a time and let god lead me where he will.. I mean I'll admit I still like to get a little wild, and my and.. Chan.. have kissed a bit but thats the farthest we've gone and technically, tomarrow is our second official week together, almost 3 from the day we confessed that we liked each other. But thats besides the point, our annerversaries are the 15ths so yeah.. Wish me luck my loyal readers, with the next chapter of my life, I'll try to post at least once a week but no promises..

Yours Truely,
One of the Beloved Ones,
~*~<>~*~Cola~*~<>~*~

Beeeep

Hello again, Cola here. And guess what folks? I guess I'mnot so unloved after all! You see some guy I've known for the past couple months asked me out! But te thing is, as life has it, I'm not over my ex, who screwed my over and made me think I was fucking pregnant. Funny huh? So I had to tell.. we'll call him... Chandler, I had to tell Chandler no, then I went off about how much of a bad person I was to get him to change his mind. I told him about how I'd feel like I was cheating him out of something better, and the distance thing, because he lives about an hour away, and then I told him about how I smoked, and I drink, and that I've done alot of worse things in my life. And now my life is a semi-on-hold, because I'm awaiting his reply.

But as it turns out, its the 4th of July and as it happens, I want to go to my Uncles, because he has bashses every year, but my father has decided that he may not want to go this year, which sucks on my part because I want to party with strangers, and get the hell away from my 'hometown'! ANd as of today Abigal, has already yelled at my 3 times for stupid shit. LIke taking a shower, making my breakfast, and for being a 'stupid girl.' I wanted to yell back at her and call her a stupid bitch that doesn't know the first thing about me! Hell we argue about my fucking birsthstone all the fucking time! She thinks its sume fucking ruby, whereas, I believe its Emerald, or peridot, the green one! August is fucking GREEN! Not, some red colour, but fucking GREEN! God life sucks. Not bad enough for me to want to out curses on people... actually nevermind it is, but I'm tired of people trying to control me. ohh well.. have fun, party hardie.

~*~<>~*~Cola Luv's All~*~<>~*~

Guess what?

Guess what my faithful (Yeah right), readers. As it turns out, I am not pregnat like I thought. I guess I shoul dbe happy, but I just think about everything and it just made me depressed. The would be baby's father left me, because he thought I was cheating on him with a chick. The sad thing is I trusted him and I actually thought that love could work out for me. It turns out I'm wrong, again. I mean I know I'm young, but to be honest I don't give a fuck. So just because of him, guess what? No more little, fucking girlfriends or boyfriends, I'm just going to have hopefully good friends that wouldn't mind fooling around, but who know that I don't want to be all couply with. Right now I don't want any of that, I'd rather just have fun that be stuck with one person. That is one of the main reasons I can not wait until I become legal age! When that happens I'm saying fuck small town life, wellcome Cities!

I hate where I live and I wouldn't wish it apon my children! I mean the closest stuff which is minimul, is at least 15 minutes away! I hate it, I'd prefer the suburbs outside of a major city, because then I could do soooo much more. I hate it here, all my main friends besides my best friend live in KCMO for crying out loud, but to be honest, that even to freaking close for comfort, I wanna go somewhere and be lost in the city, like LA or Houston, or Dallas, or Tallahassee! I just can't wait until I turn legal age. BUt I guess thats enough gripe for the day. So thanks for whoever decieded to hear me ramble.


~*~<>~*~Cola Luvs All!~*~<>~*~

Hola...

Ok, I guess I should re-inform you. My nickname is not nor ever has been Benny, I wish it were though. My nickname is actually Cola. If I confused anyone I'm sorry. And like what my title says, this is my sweet divine way of an outlet for my soul to help me through. I'm going to give a bit of a background then add postings later about day-to day stuff and shit that happens.

If you don'twant to have anything to do with a semi-crazy, halfway suicidle girl, who has had more shit happen to her in her short 15 years of lifetime than most people do in several lives, please do not continue reading. I promise I will not threaten to kill myself and mean it, but there are times when I think it would be a good idea, but I shy away from it. I don't have the heart nor guts to do that to my friends, or family, or any soul that I may touch in the future.

As for my back ground... I guess I'll start with my medical stuff. starting from the bottom of my body and working my way up.. I've broken several toes, twisted my ankles, I can't feel wither of my knee-caps, my left though I can feel sometimes. I have scares covering my body. My mack is screwed up, and as of the moment I have a few craked ribs, and I get constant migranes. I can't feel half of my right hand, and several fingers and my wrists give me constant problems.

Next is events... My lifes been screwed up that way as well. I have 2 full blooded siblings. Lets call them... Jamie and Sabrina. Jamie is 11 and my brother, Sabrina is 7 and my sister. I also have a step-mother, lets call her... Abigal, and my father Jamie the 1st. Well besides them.. Major events in my life lets see.. I was hit by a car when I was 7. Also after the car incidednt I was raped for the first time by a friend of the families son, and I have just recently in the past year got it so that I am not ashamed of it and I don't care. When I was 9 my mother left, lets call her Dracilla, she got hooked on drugs and stuff and I got physycally abused majorly by her. When I was 10 going on 11 Dracilla decided to try to do a snag-n-grab on me at my old school, didn't work out and I spit on her face for being a bitch. When I was 12 I was in a small reck, and got hit by a car agin, not as bad as the first time though. When I was 13, I got screwed over again though, and got raped again by someone who I thought was a good friend of mine from KC, but turned out he just wanted to use me. Also this is sickening, but I've kept it in for so long I have to get it out or something because it still give me nightmares. How would you like it if your father told you, that you his baby girl turned him on? then proceeded to seduce you to give him head? wel guess what folks, I got screwed over again and was half-forced to give my own fucking father head, because he wanted to teach me about fucking sex, and since then my life has been hell, I have nightmares constantly, and don't get much sleep. I've been so fucking screwed over in life that its not even funny..

But the funny thing is... I don't tell everyone my life story. No-one knows what my father made me do, and some of the worst things that has happened to me, and how many people I know that have died. I try to be happy though, if someone walked up to me, they'd see this happy, optimistic person who is hyperactive, and always happy, when deep inside, I'm burning with rage for people I hate and pain and sadness and so many other emotions, irritation, misery and so many more. I smoke, and I drink, and I've tried some drugs like weed, and I've tried overdosing before as well as cutting and so many other things, but writing helps me the most.

Right now, I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me, I'm not suicidal as of the moment right now, I would never break a persons heart on purpose if I could help it, and I try to live by a philosophicall phrase, "Why frown when someone is falling in love with your smile?" I try to be happy, and not walk around drepressed like a drone but I just don't give a fuck, I wanna be me, not what people think i me. I'm tired of people trying to controll me and tell me what the fuck I sould be doing. I'm sick of it, I just wanna say fuck off to everyone, and I have quite a bit lately. Oh and for even more good news, I might but might not be pregnant! Yippy for me. I know for a fact that puttin g it for adoption or abortion are already out of the picture but what the hell am I going to do with a kid? I'm still one myelf! I don't have a job, car or my diploma! I'm 15 and going to be a junior next school year.. My periods late and I'm freaked out because I'm afraid I'm going to be kicked out of my house. But to be honest, if I am, I'll find a way, I have gotten out of bad situations before and if I have to I'll do it again.

Oh well.. Its 12:15ish here and I've been typing for the last 15 to 20 minutes already. Oh well who gives a fuck? I know people care for me but life sucks balls for me right now, and God and the devil can go fuck behind a tree for all I care right now. But to those who do care about me, thank you for any support that your giving this Missouri girl.


~*~<>~*~Cola Luvs All!~*~<>~*~

Hi

Hello My Nickname is Benny.

I can't say my real name because of all the stuff in the 'media'. That and i think its fun to go by an alias. Don't you?

Anyways, I'm new with this blogger stuff so I'll cut to the chase and I'll choose a topic.

Right now U think I want to talk about school. It's boring and I only have 2 D's out of 8 classes. Funny isn't it? Ok no its not but still. When your at school you feel like you have nothing and your just another face in the crowd unless your some supreme figure in your class then you may stand out a bit. But the truth is that no matter who you are you can amount to anything that you want. It may sound cheezy but it's the truth.

~Forever Benny~