Hola...
Ok, I guess I should re-inform you. My nickname is not nor ever has been Benny, I wish it were though. My nickname is actually Cola. If I confused anyone I'm sorry. And like what my title says, this is my sweet divine way of an outlet for my soul to help me through. I'm going to give a bit of a background then add postings later about day-to day stuff and shit that happens.
If you don'twant to have anything to do with a semi-crazy, halfway suicidle girl, who has had more shit happen to her in her short 15 years of lifetime than most people do in several lives, please do not continue reading. I promise I will not threaten to kill myself and mean it, but there are times when I think it would be a good idea, but I shy away from it. I don't have the heart nor guts to do that to my friends, or family, or any soul that I may touch in the future.
As for my back ground... I guess I'll start with my medical stuff. starting from the bottom of my body and working my way up.. I've broken several toes, twisted my ankles, I can't feel wither of my knee-caps, my left though I can feel sometimes. I have scares covering my body. My mack is screwed up, and as of the moment I have a few craked ribs, and I get constant migranes. I can't feel half of my right hand, and several fingers and my wrists give me constant problems.
Next is events... My lifes been screwed up that way as well. I have 2 full blooded siblings. Lets call them... Jamie and Sabrina. Jamie is 11 and my brother, Sabrina is 7 and my sister. I also have a step-mother, lets call her... Abigal, and my father Jamie the 1st. Well besides them.. Major events in my life lets see.. I was hit by a car when I was 7. Also after the car incidednt I was raped for the first time by a friend of the families son, and I have just recently in the past year got it so that I am not ashamed of it and I don't care. When I was 9 my mother left, lets call her Dracilla, she got hooked on drugs and stuff and I got physycally abused majorly by her. When I was 10 going on 11 Dracilla decided to try to do a snag-n-grab on me at my old school, didn't work out and I spit on her face for being a bitch. When I was 12 I was in a small reck, and got hit by a car agin, not as bad as the first time though. When I was 13, I got screwed over again though, and got raped again by someone who I thought was a good friend of mine from KC, but turned out he just wanted to use me. Also this is sickening, but I've kept it in for so long I have to get it out or something because it still give me nightmares. How would you like it if your father told you, that you his baby girl turned him on? then proceeded to seduce you to give him head? wel guess what folks, I got screwed over again and was half-forced to give my own fucking father head, because he wanted to teach me about fucking sex, and since then my life has been hell, I have nightmares constantly, and don't get much sleep. I've been so fucking screwed over in life that its not even funny..
But the funny thing is... I don't tell everyone my life story. No-one knows what my father made me do, and some of the worst things that has happened to me, and how many people I know that have died. I try to be happy though, if someone walked up to me, they'd see this happy, optimistic person who is hyperactive, and always happy, when deep inside, I'm burning with rage for people I hate and pain and sadness and so many other emotions, irritation, misery and so many more. I smoke, and I drink, and I've tried some drugs like weed, and I've tried overdosing before as well as cutting and so many other things, but writing helps me the most.
Right now, I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me, I'm not suicidal as of the moment right now, I would never break a persons heart on purpose if I could help it, and I try to live by a philosophicall phrase, "Why frown when someone is falling in love with your smile?" I try to be happy, and not walk around drepressed like a drone but I just don't give a fuck, I wanna be me, not what people think i me. I'm tired of people trying to controll me and tell me what the fuck I sould be doing. I'm sick of it, I just wanna say fuck off to everyone, and I have quite a bit lately. Oh and for even more good news, I might but might not be pregnant! Yippy for me. I know for a fact that puttin g it for adoption or abortion are already out of the picture but what the hell am I going to do with a kid? I'm still one myelf! I don't have a job, car or my diploma! I'm 15 and going to be a junior next school year.. My periods late and I'm freaked out because I'm afraid I'm going to be kicked out of my house. But to be honest, if I am, I'll find a way, I have gotten out of bad situations before and if I have to I'll do it again.
Oh well.. Its 12:15ish here and I've been typing for the last 15 to 20 minutes already. Oh well who gives a fuck? I know people care for me but life sucks balls for me right now, and God and the devil can go fuck behind a tree for all I care right now. But to those who do care about me, thank you for any support that your giving this Missouri girl.
~*~<>~*~Cola Luvs All!~*~<>~*~
If you don'twant to have anything to do with a semi-crazy, halfway suicidle girl, who has had more shit happen to her in her short 15 years of lifetime than most people do in several lives, please do not continue reading. I promise I will not threaten to kill myself and mean it, but there are times when I think it would be a good idea, but I shy away from it. I don't have the heart nor guts to do that to my friends, or family, or any soul that I may touch in the future.
As for my back ground... I guess I'll start with my medical stuff. starting from the bottom of my body and working my way up.. I've broken several toes, twisted my ankles, I can't feel wither of my knee-caps, my left though I can feel sometimes. I have scares covering my body. My mack is screwed up, and as of the moment I have a few craked ribs, and I get constant migranes. I can't feel half of my right hand, and several fingers and my wrists give me constant problems.
Next is events... My lifes been screwed up that way as well. I have 2 full blooded siblings. Lets call them... Jamie and Sabrina. Jamie is 11 and my brother, Sabrina is 7 and my sister. I also have a step-mother, lets call her... Abigal, and my father Jamie the 1st. Well besides them.. Major events in my life lets see.. I was hit by a car when I was 7. Also after the car incidednt I was raped for the first time by a friend of the families son, and I have just recently in the past year got it so that I am not ashamed of it and I don't care. When I was 9 my mother left, lets call her Dracilla, she got hooked on drugs and stuff and I got physycally abused majorly by her. When I was 10 going on 11 Dracilla decided to try to do a snag-n-grab on me at my old school, didn't work out and I spit on her face for being a bitch. When I was 12 I was in a small reck, and got hit by a car agin, not as bad as the first time though. When I was 13, I got screwed over again though, and got raped again by someone who I thought was a good friend of mine from KC, but turned out he just wanted to use me. Also this is sickening, but I've kept it in for so long I have to get it out or something because it still give me nightmares. How would you like it if your father told you, that you his baby girl turned him on? then proceeded to seduce you to give him head? wel guess what folks, I got screwed over again and was half-forced to give my own fucking father head, because he wanted to teach me about fucking sex, and since then my life has been hell, I have nightmares constantly, and don't get much sleep. I've been so fucking screwed over in life that its not even funny..
But the funny thing is... I don't tell everyone my life story. No-one knows what my father made me do, and some of the worst things that has happened to me, and how many people I know that have died. I try to be happy though, if someone walked up to me, they'd see this happy, optimistic person who is hyperactive, and always happy, when deep inside, I'm burning with rage for people I hate and pain and sadness and so many other emotions, irritation, misery and so many more. I smoke, and I drink, and I've tried some drugs like weed, and I've tried overdosing before as well as cutting and so many other things, but writing helps me the most.
Right now, I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me, I'm not suicidal as of the moment right now, I would never break a persons heart on purpose if I could help it, and I try to live by a philosophicall phrase, "Why frown when someone is falling in love with your smile?" I try to be happy, and not walk around drepressed like a drone but I just don't give a fuck, I wanna be me, not what people think i me. I'm tired of people trying to controll me and tell me what the fuck I sould be doing. I'm sick of it, I just wanna say fuck off to everyone, and I have quite a bit lately. Oh and for even more good news, I might but might not be pregnant! Yippy for me. I know for a fact that puttin g it for adoption or abortion are already out of the picture but what the hell am I going to do with a kid? I'm still one myelf! I don't have a job, car or my diploma! I'm 15 and going to be a junior next school year.. My periods late and I'm freaked out because I'm afraid I'm going to be kicked out of my house. But to be honest, if I am, I'll find a way, I have gotten out of bad situations before and if I have to I'll do it again.
Oh well.. Its 12:15ish here and I've been typing for the last 15 to 20 minutes already. Oh well who gives a fuck? I know people care for me but life sucks balls for me right now, and God and the devil can go fuck behind a tree for all I care right now. But to those who do care about me, thank you for any support that your giving this Missouri girl.
~*~<>~*~Cola Luvs All!~*~<>~*~
posted by Chrissy at 12:33:00 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home